If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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