Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
