Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
