when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
