I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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