i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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