Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize