I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
