Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Randomize
