just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
