My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I need water and some morals
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize