I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize