nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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