So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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