ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
