i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
My dick has a subreddit
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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