He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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