Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I think my moral compass just broke
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
