i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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