its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
not ubering you a puppy
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize