not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
