Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
