I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
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