We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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