doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
