Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize