Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
