this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize