oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
