There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
