I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
you never un-have a 4some
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
