you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
