a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
