I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
