he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Randomize
