is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
