I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
