your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
