Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
