Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
