He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
