I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
