oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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