im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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