Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
