Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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