Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
