Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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