Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
