We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
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