I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
