so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
