dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
