your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
