i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
