You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
