I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
